Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just saw a hot homeless man
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
