I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
