Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
