I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
