you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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