My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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