Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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