I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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