i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
