I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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