Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
