it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
