There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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