If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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