Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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