Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
