gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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