I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
