Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
