You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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