hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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