Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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