You just made me feel so damn special
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
