If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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