Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
