Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
