dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
