Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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