He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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