I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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