Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
