Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
