man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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