Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
