Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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