my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
