Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
