I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
