My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
