You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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