I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
