You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
