the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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