Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
