:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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