my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
