wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
