after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
