I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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