That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
